• "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
• "You can’t have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i won’t go to Stringfellows tonight, I’ll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a woman!"
• "Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow."
• "We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel."
• "It really is about as useful as putting a snooze button on a smoke alarm."
• "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
• "It looks like it might kick your head in... for fun. Especially in black. In a pale colour or silver, it looks like Vinnie Jones in one of Graham Norton's T-shirts."
• "Eighty-five pence for a plastic bottle of Coke? I thought they'd stopped using cocaine as one of the ingredients..."
• "Fathers and their sons dressed in matching blazers and slacks, as though women hadn't been involved in the breeding process at all. You just open up the chap like a Russian doll, and out pops another one."
• "In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad."
• "I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap."
• "After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."
• "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."
• "Exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster."
• "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you."
• "Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!"
• "I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."
• "...the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
• "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."
• "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face."
• "It’s, um, a mobile phone holder, or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!"
• "This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’"
• "There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!" "Now we get quite a few complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we’re kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all."
• "The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button."
• "Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze."
• "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
• "Ferrari is so pleased with it, they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car…”The Colin”."
• "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said, “You know, can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”"
• "It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could propably make a couple of cars for that."
• "This is the latest S Class. Now availiable with a very economical twin-turbo, six litre engine. I dont mean economical do I? Thats the wrong word…"
• "Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off."
• "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
• "That means, a Range Rover, doing 10,000 miles a year, produces less pollution a day then a cow farting."
• "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what...being stabbed?"
• "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
• "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi'"
• "Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
• "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

On the Perodua Kelisa 1.0 GXi:

• "This is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world. It has a top speed of 88mph but takes so long to reach it that no one has ever lived long enough to verify the claim, the inside is tackier than Anthea Turner’s wedding and you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost. Also its name sounds like a disease."

On the Cadillac SRX4:

• "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse."

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG:

• "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

On the Chevrolet Corvette Z06:

• "In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day."

On the Toyota Camry:

• "Whenever I’m suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off."

On the Pagani Zonda:

• "Really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time."

On the Lotus Exige:

• "To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bakofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets."

On Cyclists:

• "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
• "Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun and do not pull up at junctions in front of a line of traffic. Because if I’m behind you, I will set off at normal speed and you will be crushed under my wheels."
• "Bicycles Are For Children…Like Masturbation, and something you should grow out of. There is something seriously sick and stunted about grown men who want to ride a bike"

On America:

• "250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"
• "If this were America, it would be full of people doing… whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly, I think."
• "They’re thick, humourless, over-governed and have no dress sense"
• "God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place (Detroit)."
• "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!"

On the Porsche Cayenne:

• "I’ve seen better looking gangrenous wounds than this."
• "0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds…and about 17 gallons of fuel."

On Segway:

• "They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

On the Ford GT:

• "Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the 47th time today."
• "The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at 'Actually I've Got a Peugeot' BBC Top Gear..."

On the Alfa Romeo Brera:

• "Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?"

On the Toyota Prius:

• "See the trees smile at me as I waft by. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven’t heard me coming."

On the Hummer H2:

• "It is a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one."